


Low Self-esteem, High Anxiety

by Alwaysradpirate



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Body Dysphoria, Chubby Katsuki Yuuri, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 15:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9391196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alwaysradpirate/pseuds/Alwaysradpirate
Summary: Yuuri's anxiety creeps up on him after an innocuous comment is made about his weight.  Viktor helps to calm him back down.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Xyliandra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xyliandra/gifts).



> I don't know much about having panic attacks. I only know what I've witnessed happen to a close family member during theirs. She told me once that it felt like all the walls were closing in on her. I hope I captured it well enough. To those who read and struggle with mental illness, feel better. To those who read and struggle with their body image (like I do), you're beautiful and fuck anyone or anything that tells you different.

               

Yuuri Nikiforov stared at his reflection in the mirror and hated what he saw.  It had started earlier that day when Minako offhandedly remarked, “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to let yourself go.”  There hadn’t been any malice in her comments.  Maybe some light teasing had been intended, but Minako truly cared about him and would be hurt if she knew how the comment had affected him.  Suddenly, his entire body suddenly felt foreign and disgusting to him.  He reasoned if it was foreign and disgusting to him, others would feel the same.  His husband, Viktor, who meant the world to him, would feel the same.  Standing there in his boxers in front the full length mirror in their bedroom he could see every flaw.  His hair had started to grey around his temples.  His glasses had progressed to coke bottle lenses complete with bifocals.  His upper arms had become flabby.  His once washboard stomach had rounded out and from the side he could clearly see love handles.  His thighs, which had always been muscularly thick, were now massive.  His once taught ass, now a jiggly mess.  Plus, he noticed all the marks.  The marks might have been the worst of it.  They were all over the fattened areas.  For some reason, the ones on his thighs bothered him the most.  Each mark screamed at him that this was not the body he had seven years ago when he was at the height of his skating career.  This was not the body Viktor fell in love with, not the body that pole danced drunk, not the body that made _Eros_ sizzle. 

The dark thoughts started then.  He tried to resist them.  However, the anxious and self-doubting thoughts were like a sirens call.  It was impossible for him not to look in the mirror. It was impossible to avoid the trick of his mind that made his body larger and the stretch marks redder.  It was impossible for him to not to think that maybe he was a laughing stock in public, so fat.  It was impossible not to hear the voice telling him that Viktor would eventually figure out he deserved better than a fat old man.  He felt himself being dragged into the black, oozing, muck created by his thoughts.  He was almost drowning; about to suffocate in the ooze.  The door into their room opened and his husband walked in and distracted him momentarily.  Viktor walked over to him, and put his arms around him.  Yuuri felt his husband stoop down and nuzzle into his neck to place a kiss there.

 “It took every parenting trick in the book, but our children are finally sleeping,” Viktor said as his hands dropped to Yuuri’s stomach and began to gently rub him there.  Yuuri wanted to shout “STOP I’M SO GROSS” but was frozen.  Viktor let out a sigh and nuzzled his face into his neck again.  Then said, “You’re so comfy, my little piggy.”

He felt himself snap.  He felt the ooze and the muck suffocate any amount of rational thought he’d been clinging to for hours.  He pushed his husband off of him.  He felt like crying and was close to letting it happen.  His husband looked thoroughly confused. 

“Yuuri what’s wrong?  Are you mad at me?”

“The pig is fine,” Yuri lied with a snarl, “God, Viktor I know how fat I’ve become!  I don’t need you rubbing it in with that stupid nickname!  How would you like it if I started calling you cue ball?” He felt the tears running down his cheek.  It wasn’t fair.  It was true Viktor was balding, but he was turning into one of those men who looked just as good if not better bald.  Though he’d lost some tone, he never gained weight.  His blue eyes and bright smile still charmed anyone who looked at him.  He had no right to such a man.  He wasn’t pretty enough.  He’d barely been attractive enough before.  He couldn’t possibly be worthy of him now.  Hell, who was he kidding?  He just wasn’t enough.  The only thing that outshone his husband’s good looks was his amazing personality.  Viktor deserved a man that was strong enough not to drown in his own darkness.  He started to hyperventilate as the walls closed in around him and his vision blurred.  He sank to the floor.

Viktor looked panicked and confused.  He was used to Yuuri’s panic attacks by now, but they usually flowed from observable circumstances and stresses.  This one had just reared its ugly head.  Viktor lowered himself to the floor so that he was level with Yuuri.

“Yuuri, what do you need?  Do you want me to call your doctor?  Do you need your medicine?”  Yuuri shook his head in response. “Ok, love, look at me then.  You’re fine.  I know you’re terrified right now, but it’s all in your head.  You’re right here with me.  I’ll help you be safe.  Ok?  I want you to breath with me now.”  Viktor said in his “calming my husband down from panic mode” voice.  His tone was calm, but in a forced way.  In the past, he had admitted that these attacks terrified him.  He didn’t always know what to do.  Usually, what worked best was to hold him into his chest and just breathe with him for a little while.  Today, though, he worried touching him like that would set him off more.  So, he knelt down and took his hands instead.

“Copy me.  Breath in one, two, three, four, five; then hold one, two, three, four, five; and let it out one, two, three, four, five…”  Viktor said as he tried to mimic his own instruction.  Yuuri let himself grasp at the life preserve his husband was throwing him.  He drew his breath in for five seconds, held it for five seconds, then let it go for another five seconds.  A minute later, the blurred edges of the room came back into focus.  Another thirty seconds passed, everything was right where it should be.  However, the tears kept going.  Fat, anxious, and “snaps at husband for no reason” are the words Yuuri would’ve used to describe himself now.

“Yuuri, may I hold you?” He didn’t answer his husband.  He just felt himself crash into Viktor’s chest and let the tears keep coming.  He was still shaking.  Viktor wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.  He seemed to be keeping is breathing even for Yuuri’s benefit.  Yuuri tried to calm himself by matching it.  “Shhh… It’s ok.  You’re doing well.  Hell, you’ve already done well. You’re breathing is back to normal.  When you’re ready, we can talk about what’s bothering you, ok?  Take all the time you need, love… shhh…”

Viktor continued to mumble sweet and soothing nothings in his ear.  He kept his breathing steady and Yuuri did all he could to follow his example.  To say that he felt better in that moment would be an overstatement; however, he did feel less like he was going to suffocate on oxygen.  It was enough for now.  Eventually, his crying lightened then stopped.  However, he didn’t trust the tears not to return.  He pulled his head from Viktor’s chest.  He wondered for the millionth time what he was going to do when Viktor woke up and realized the shitty deal he made in marrying him.  He took one last deep breath to sooth himself as much as possible.

“Viktor, I’m so sorry.  I am a terrible…,” he couldn’t finish.

“Stop it, Yuuri.  You’re not a terrible anything.  You have no reason to apologize, ok?  Are you alright?  What happened?  I don’t understand what I did or didn’t do.  Please, just talk to me, love.”  Viktor’s calm voice was belied by his wide worried eyes.

“I’m a fat, ugly, old man that gets anxiety attacks over being fat, ugly, and old.  Then, instead of just handling it, I call the man I don’t even deserve in the first place “cue ball."  How can you stand the sight of me, Viktor?  How are you even still here?”  His eyes were leaking again. 

Viktor just looked blindsided and maybe just the slightest bit frustrated.  Yuuri couldn’t blame him if he was annoyed.  Not only did he look and act like crap, but he leaned on him too much for reassurance.  This was the ONE.  This is the one that will finally break Viktor; the one that would break them both forever.  He’d worried past attacks were the one.  Yet, they hadn’t come out of nowhere after long hopeful breaks in between.  It was too much to expect from him.  This wasn’t going away.  The medication, therapy, and having him for support had all helped, but still he was unable to win against his own damn head.

“Yuuri, I know that in part it’s your anxiety talking, but do you really think that after all this time I’m not exactly where I want to be?  You’re not my burden; you’re one my greatest blessings.  So, I want you with me always,” Viktor’s eyes were misting.  He pulled Yuuri back into him, “You’re doing so well.  I know this feels like a failure, but I’m so impressed by how far you’ve come.  Do you know that this your first attack in almost a year?  You should be proud of yourself.  I’m proud of you.  After you trust I’m not going anywhere, please tell me what brought this on.  We’ll sort through it one thing at a time.”

Yuuri took a few more breaths.  He could do just one thing.  The first thing was trust Viktor.  He let himself remember their relationship as his husband held him.  He forced himself to remember things as they were.  Viktor never gave him any real reason to believe he’d leave.  No matter how much of a hot mess Yuuri was in his own memory, Viktor only ever wanted to stay close to him.  In: one, two, three, four, five; hold: one, two, three, four, five; out: one, two, three, four, and five he breathed.  He sat up and away from his husband.  He was ready to talk.

“I saw Minako earlier.  We were talking about how our anniversary is coming up and what sort of party we were planning. She seemed super happy for us.  Then she said something like, ‘I’m happy you’re comfortable enough to let yourself go.’” Viktor hissed angrily. “She didn’t mean anything by it.  I think she meant that she was happy I am comfortable with you now.  It’s not that I haven’t noticed I’ve gained weight.  I’m not completely in denial or anything.  It’s just I didn’t realize that I’m actually grotesque until I looked in the mirror.  I saw how I looked.  I’m fat all over.  My arms, belly, thighs, and ass are these flabby tubs of lard.  I have stretch marks all over my body.  I feel so gross.  When you walked in, I was wondering how you could even stand to look at me. I panicked when you rubbed my stomach because I didn’t want you to touch something so disgusting.  Then, when you called me ‘piggy’, I guess it all overwhelmed me.  I snapped.  I’m sorry I called you ‘cue ball.’”

“No, it’s ok.  I shouldn’t call you ‘piggy’ anymore.  I’ve been insensitive.  I shouldn’t have called you that when I first started coaching you and I shouldn’t do it now. I didn’t know it bothered you so much.  I’m sorry, love.”

“It’s ok, Viktor.  I know you were just being sentimental when you said it.  You just happened to pick a bad time to say it.  I feel disgusting.  It’s not fair, Vitya.  You just keep looking better with age.  Your hair loss just exposed the facts that your eyes are gorgeous and your face is beautifully chiseled.  You light up every room you’re in.  Every day I get more grotesque.  Every day you shine brighter than the one before.  How can you possibly satisfied by me?  My body is repulsive.”

“Hmm… Is this your anxiety speaking or you?”

“Yes.”

“So, you think I’m not attracted to you and this will cause me to leave?”  If his arms weren’t around Yuuri, his hands would be on his face.  He wore the expression that Yuuri knew meant he was looking for answers. He was looking for a solution.  He seemed to have settled on one.  “So, tell me precisely what you think I don’t like.”

“My hair is greying and my vision is failing.  My upper arms are flabby.  My belly sticks out too far.  My ass is fat.  My thighs are thunderous.  I have stretch marks all over.  I look worse than I did when we met in Hasetsu.  You made me go on a diet then.  How have you stood looking at me for so long?”  Viktor’s eyes shown like something just dawned on him. 

“You know, I always kind of worried that would come back to bite me in the ass.  I asked you to lose weight back then because competitive figure skating doesn’t cut anyone’s body slack.  I wanted you to do your best.  Judges would have docked you for being overweight.  Costumes wouldn’t have fit the way they were supposed to.  There could’ve been an increased risk of injury.  Some errant thought occurred to me, even then, that you would take it the wrong way.  The part of me that was your coach needed you to lose weight, not the part that wanted to be with you. Now, I need you to listen to me and try not to get upset.  Are you ok to do that right now?”

“I think so.  I’ll let you know if I get upset.”  Yuuri said a little suspicious of what he was going to say.

“Hmm… Let me think of how to phrase this… I don’t care about… No that’s… First, I love your body thick or thin.  I love it, eros and agape.  I won’t deny that part of my initial attraction to you had to do with your drunken bod twirling on a stripper pole.  But, it changed quickly.  You’re more to me than a piece of ass.  I love your body as it is.  To be honest, if it weren’t for the fact you’re anxiety crept up on you and that I didn’t help the situation when we became coach and student; I’d feel a bit insulted you thought I was so shallow.  This is a body is a work of art to me.  So, listen while I explain.  First, I’m going to make you understand my agape for your body.”  Viktor’s hand reached out and touched his head.

“This head with its greying hair and fading vision contains your mind.  I love the thoughts you’ve shared with me, even the dark ones.  I love them because they’re all you. One of my favorite things to do is just listen to you talk.  I love watching your eyes change with your mood.  I love your cheeks when they blush.  I love your soft lips pressed on mine.  I think I love it even better when they're curled into one of your award winning smiles.  Your head is beautiful to me.  Every grey hair there just means I’ve gotten more time with your beautiful mind.”  Viktor leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on the top of his husband’s head.  Then he moved his hands to Yuuri’s upper arms.

“These arms are beautiful to me.  They’ve lifted me in dance.  They’ve kept me safe and warm every night for years.  They’ve held onto me when we lost Makkachin and Yakov.  They’re open to me when I need them.  They hold on to me when you need me.  I’ve watched them cradle our children to feed them, comfort them, and hug them.  I don't think I'll ever forget the first time you held them after the surrogate delivered.  I love your arms.  I love them even more when I snuggle into them, now.”  He leaned in and kissed Yuuri’s left shoulder.  Yuuri began to blush. 

“I’m starting to wonder what you want from me, Vitya.  You’re laying it on almost as thick as my stupid thighs.”  His stupidly handsome husband just smiled.

“I want you to feel better.  I want you to understand.  Also, you’re supposed to be listening right now, so, shush.” Viktor’s hands dropped to his waist now.  Good grief, the man was hell bent on making him blush tonight. He didn’t know if hoped the man would stop kissing all the things he mentioned hating.  It wasn’t that it felt bad.  Kisses from Viktor had never failed to feel good.  These were just becoming almost uncomfortable.  Yuuri was grappling internally with the disconnect between his shame at those parts looking gross and the feelings the kisses ignited.  He really hoped he’d avoid his thighs if nothing else.  That would be the worst area right now.

“I have nothing clever to add here.  I’m just happy that we get to eat good food together now.  I love your cooking.  I love eating meals together.  I want to keep eating good food with you for many years to come.  Honestly, I just love the fact we can eat what we want together now.  I love this stomach because we built it together eating delicious things and actually indulging in alcoholic beverages.  Every inch is a memory I share with you.  We starved ourselves too long in too many ways while we were skating.  I wouldn’t trade this wonderful feeling belly for anything.”  He leaned down and kissed his stomach off to the side.  He seemed to be avoiding where he’d touched Yuuri earlier.  His hands moved to Yuuri’s thighs and caressed them.

“Viktor, please don’t.  I don’t want you to kiss me there,” Yuuri said his discomfort obvious.  For some stupid reason his thighs were the worst.  Maybe it was remembering when he was a child and Mari dubbing him “thunder thighs” in front of a crush at a waterpark when he was small.  He really didn’t want a kiss on his thighs.  He felt too much shame about them right now.  He couldn’t handle the conflict that would ignite if Viktor kissed him there now.  There was no way to construe Viktor kissing his thighs as innocent or helpful.  Thigh kisses and Viktor were about pure, unadulterated, passionate sex. 

“You’re no fun, Yuuri,” Viktor pouted, “But, if you insist I will not kiss you.  However, I owe you a little bit of eros.  So, I’m far from done with my speech.”

“You would start eros at my least sexy place…”

“You know what’s funny.  I think these thighs are incredibly sexy.  They’re still powerful.  You could still probably snap neck with them.  They’re just soft now too.  They feel wonderful beneath my hands.  They’re equal parts sweet and sinful.  They’re velvety and plush, yet powerful.  They make me want to devour you.  I see them sometimes and just want to attack them.  I want to cover them in kisses and love bites.  I’m a little sad that they don’t feel as good to you.” As he spoke, he massaged Yuuri’s thighs in slow circular motions that inched upwards.  Yuuri let loose a small moan in spite of his embarrassment and shame.   There was a twinkle in Viktor’s eyes now as he moved his hands from Yuuri’s thighs to his ass.  He grabbed hold and pulled him so that Yuuri was practically in his lap on their bedroom floor.

“This ass drives me wild.  Have you ever noticed I’m constantly trying to grab it?  God I love your ass.  I daydream about grabbing onto it while you’re riding me.  I’m always thinking about how soft and wonderful it feels when I press into you.  I loved your ass before, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just now you’ve officially got yourself a bubble butt.  I’m mesmerized by how it looks and feels…,” Viktor was blushing as well now.  His hands were squeezing and massaging Yuuri’s rear end.

“Getting a little flustered by your own pep talk, husband?”  Yuuri said with the most confidence he’d been able to muster all day.

“This was a better plan in my head.  I’m sorry.  I know you’re not usually in the mood for this type of touching after an attack.  I don’t mean to impose my will on you either.  If you’re really upset about your weight we can do whatever you want to correct it.  I just worry that the weight isn’t really the problem and you won’t actually be happier any thinner.  I know you feel the pressure to look a certain way.  I just want you to know I love you like this too.  I want you to understand that I not only love your body I find it sexy,” Viktor said solemnly.  He looked very contrite.  Yuuri leaned in and kissed him gently on his lips.

“Give me a few minutes to shower.  I’ll see how I feel then, ok?”

“Ok.  If you need me, call.  Don’t let me find you sitting in the corner of the bathroom crying or hyperventilating.  If that’s a possibility…”

“Don’t worry.  The hyperventilating is gone.  If I cry anymore tonight it won’t be that bad.  I really am sorry, Viktor.”  Viktor almost violently pulled him in close then.

“Viktor?”

“I wish you would stop apologizing for being sick.  I wish you would accept my help easier when you aren’t feeling well.  I know it’s the paradox of anxiety that you worry about coming to me with your problems.  It’s just… If I had cancer or something, you’d never leave my side.  You’d never ask or expect me to apologize for being sick.  I wouldn’t hesitate to lean on you.  I wish you’d stop hesitating to lean on me.  I promised to take care of you in sickness and health.  I meant every word…” Viktor’s voice was shaking.  Yuuri could hear him holding back the tears.

“Vitya let me shower.  When I’m done lets cuddle and see where it leads us.  We both might benefit to a little love making tonight.  It would comfort me.  I just don't know I'll feel up to it.  Right now I feel drained.  For the record, I do lean on you.  You’re right that the paradox is I worry about doing so.  Please understand, it’s just I don’t want you to leave me.  I fear that the most on days like this.  Now coming out of the panic I know it isn’t a rational fear.  Logically, you’ve never done anything to make me think that, but what about my anxiety is logical?  You help me, though.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be one-hundred percent better, but I know before you I was worse.  Low self-esteem and high anxiety make a dangerous pair.  Thank you, for seeing me as something beautiful now and then.  It can’t be easy loving me on days when I don’t love myself.”

When he returned from the shower, he was surprised to see Viktor standing in front of the mirror and not on the bed. He watched as his husband let out a sigh.  He saw Yuuri in the reflection.

“We should get rid of this mirror.”

“Vitya, you know that won’t help.  We can’t get rid of everything causes me anxiety…”

“I wasn’t thinking about you.  This stupid mirror makes my wrinkles pop and my hairline look worse.  It's clearly defective…”

Yuuri giggled in spite of himself.  He reached up and placed his hand on his favorite spot on Viktor’s head. 

“Touching my bald spot isn’t helping me right now, Yuuri.  I don’t understand why you always touch me there.  I miss my hair that could’ve been in shampoo commercials…  I should get a toupee or something.”

“Please don’t.  I love your bald spot.  I idolized you so much when we first met.  You were so unattainable, so perfect, VIKTOR NIKIFOROV.  The first time I saw your bald spot was the first time I saw you as man.  Suddenly, you were a living breathing entity that I could let myself love.”  Viktor’s face in the mirror dropped even more.

“First, you forget about our banquet where you asked me to coach you while grinding on me.  Next, I show up to your family’s inn naked only to have you tell me katsudon is your eros.  Then, you propose marriage to me only to give me a heart attack twenty-four hours later saying ‘let’s end this’ out of the blue.  Now, going on eight years later, you tell me that after all my flirty behavior and dressing to impress; you fell in love with me because of my bald spot.  We had deep personal conversations the first week I was there and later cried in front of you and it had no effect.  I made a complete ass out of myself that year didn’t I?”

“Yep, and I fell harder in love with you every minute because you did. Now, come to bed and cuddle me.”  Viktor’s eyes lit up and his grin came back.

“You know, Yuuri, you could at least try to comfort me like I comforted you.  I think I’m feeling very insecure about my lips and stuff.” 

“Listen, trouble, I said I’d see how I feel.  Just come cuddle me for now.  I love you.”

“I love you too.”

As they lay down in their bed, Yuuri felt Viktor’s arm wrap around him. He looked down and saw the gold ring on his husband’s finger.  He grasped the hand and brought it up to his lips.  Viktor pulled him closer and nuzzled his face into his neck again. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I focused on Yuuri's thighs because they're my least favorite part of my own body. When I was 10, my cousin actually did call me "thunder thighs" at a water park in front of my first ever crush. I hated my thighs for a long time after that. Now, I just don't like them very much.


End file.
